How To Behave In Public - Water Fountains

Water is the single most important component for life on Earth. 70% of the human body is made of water. If you place your ear against a person who is jumping up and down, you might even be able to hear some of that water sloshing about. Isn't science fascinating? In order to live, a human must drink at least two gallons of what every day. Fortunately, American scientists armed with this knowledge were able to invent one of the most important devices we have in today's society. 

The water fountain. 

Imagine, if you will, being able to walk up to a box, push a button, and receive a refreshing, life giving stream of clean, clear water directly into your mouth! I know it seems insane, but I can assure you that the water fountain is indeed real. Studies have determined that the average human will encounter at least a dozen water fountains during their lifetime. This is testimony to the fact that American science has made a truly great achievement through the installation of water fountains all over the United States of America. If you see one, do not pass on your chance to experience a water fountain. 

Now, if it wasn't enough to simply press a button to get water directed into your mouth, a true scientific milestone in its own right, try to embrace the concept of the electric water fountain. Don't worry. You won't shock yourself to death. The electricity, through the magic of science, keeps the water chilled, making already fresh water even more delicious!

Here are some tips and tricks you should keep in mind when visiting a water fountain: 

  • Water fountains come in all shapes and sizes. When in a public area you are unfamiliar with, try pushing, pulling, and tugging on anything that might look like a handle or button, and you're sure to find one of the many cleverly hidden water fountains those playful American scientists had installed
  • Water is a precious commodity, so be sure to place your face as close to the Tubular Water Emitter as possible so as to avoid waste.*
  • It's important to note the difference between a spigot and a water fountain. Spigots have knobs to turn on the water flow, water fountains have buttons, and sometimes unicorns. 
  • If you see someone acting suspiciously around a water fountain, be sure to contact the police, as they will want to make sure there are no villains around licking the splash guards of water fountains. 
  • Don't lick the splash guards on water fountains, at least not without permission from your local police or city mayor. 
  • Try to keep the time you spend using a water fountain to under 10 minutes so as to allow others the joy of using a public water fountain. 
  • If you are rich, consider installing water fountains in your home and around your property, so you can share fresh water with the proletariat. Trust us when we say that you will be heartily thanked for your consideration. 
  • We'd prefer not to say this, but recent actions have forced our hand. DO NOT pee in the smaller water fountains. Yes, they do resemble urinals, but they are not urinals. 

* A principle rule of thumb is that the pressure of the output at the emitter is defined by the average height of the people who use it. In other words, if the stream arcs water over your head, it is meant for tall people. This doesn't mean you are forbidden to use it, just do so with caution. 

There is little like the pure and simple joy one derives from the experiences that can be had when engaging with a public water fountain. Be respectful, wait your turn in line, don't leave anything behind, and if you have a fire pit, don't forget to stir the coals.