I’m a mess

My mind is racing, bouncing from one issue to the next at breakneck pace, spinning off tasks I have to get done like a madly whirling particle accelerator.

Pew! Pew! They fly away, a thought I had, something I wanted to do, to look up, to verify, to… finish, and I just can’t.

This pandemic. This country. This president. This white supremacy problem. This racism problem. This policing problem. This government problem. This homelessness problem. This gun violence problem. This vaccine problem. This ideological problem. This climate crisis problem.

This everything problem.

I’m trying desperately to start a couple of projects I’ve developed, and I can’t even organize. I’m on Trello and Confluence and I’ve got Office and OneNote, and To Do, and email, and Telegram, and this, that, and a billion others tools to choose from. I’ve got political leanings to consider. What about security? Can I use my preferred workflow? Will it have the capacity I want later on? Is it open source? Does it have the interactions I need? How much does it cost? Will any of this matter?

If that’s crawling for you, then pile on top of that the fact that the current holder of the seat of the President of the United States of America encouraged his supporters to use their strength to save their country from the people he’s led others to believe are the very definition of evil. Sure, most of them aren’t truly decent folk, but they aren’t monsters. At least they’re somewhat interested in maintaining the illusion of stability, and that’s at least not the worst starting point.

But then I remember we’re in a pandemic and that hundreds of thousands of people in this country have died of Covid, and we’re falling apart at the seams. We’re getting reports that hospitals are throwing out wasted, old vaccines because they didn’t get used.

Why are we doing this? Why are we doing it now?

Hell, even trying to wrap my mind around getting to work on ANY of this is going to work, and how I might even be able to accomplish ANYTHING AT ALL in this climate.

My dad just died few days ago and I haven’t seen him. I’m likely not going to be asked to the funeral, either, but not because I don’t want to go. It’s painful and it’s complex and it’s an old, old story told many times in many families. I could get specific, but I won’t because it hurts and I don’t have any desire to look like I’m calling anyone out (though there’s one…)

I don’t want much, and I would be surprised if this wasn’t what most people want. I just want to feel moderately safe, I’d like to not have to fear the loss of home, health, food, community, or anything, I’d like it if I could do the kind of work I’d like to do, but recognize that, at times, I’ll have to pull my weight in jobs that have less… ostentatious requirements.

I’d like to feel safe sharing my opinion, even if others don’t share it.

Yeah. The feels. It’s contradictory, no? I want to feel safe sharing, but I’m happy when Parler gets shut down. That’s not to say it shouldn’t, but it just creates a new fear, the one where people who already believe they’re oppressed start leveraging even more violence in an effort to force their way to becoming THE way.

Ultimately, I believe it comes down to people feeling left out, and the options they have left for communities to join can be troublesome, like the hundreds of white supremacy and hate groups we have in America. But there’s never just one underlying issue. It’s also capitalism that has been wrecking havoc on civil order for decades in efforts to eliminate regulations that should stop them from hurting people, or worse.

Cuz, you know, they don’t already make enough money…

Then it’s the religious groups. They have to have their way. It’s their damned god and, by that god, they will be led to a glorious victory and endless joy in the afterlife. No, I’m not talking about Muslims. I’m talking about American-grown religious intolerance that won’t suffer gays or Blacks or Trans or other people of color or drug users or rap music listeners or anything other than their own fellow believers.

Want more? I didn’t think so. Well, you get it anyway. There’s then those who choose not to vote at all, for whatever reason. It’s just stupid. Here’s why:

When you don’t vote, you give your vote away for free to someone else, and they may want you dead.

Tyler Regas

Just think a moment on that. Five people were killed in the attack on Congress.

But that’s what I do.

I get distracted. I go down ratholes and lose my way. It’s frustrating. I’m 52, not 82. I’d like to think it’s depression and just the world going to shit, but I don’t know and, as someone important to other people once said in a completely different way, not knowing is half the battle.

Now, insurrection in our nation’s capitol is NOT a rathole, but I think the issue is clear. What do I plan to do with this post, I mean it’s kinda crackers, but it’s real. It’s me. It’s what I’m feeling and dealing with now.

I am very thankful that I have my little family… cat and dog included.

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